Dear Suzanne Whang,

Tonight’s episode of House Hunters was the last straw for me. I cannot idly sit by while you continue to allow such hair and wardrobe travesties occur to your person. You may work for a cable network but it’s the same network who gave Danielle Hirsch a rockin’ do when she became David Bromstad’s color assistant on ColorSplash, and both Hirsch and Bromstad flash pretty stylish attire on their show…so we have proof that HGTV likes a good fashion makeover. It’s high time you lost the kiddie barrettes–you’re not pulling off the cool indie barrette thing hipsters might sport–what you’re doing looks like something I did back in the third grade. You know, where you take a little chunk of hair from the front of your face and clip it to the other hair above your ear? On both sides? Trust me, this is not a good look for you.

It’s not really a good look for anybody.

And why, Suzanne, why all of the old lady knit polyester tops that appear to be from JC Penney catalog, circa 1983? That waist band line we see beneath your knitwear looks just as bad as a panty line. Seriously.

Now, I’m not going to suggest that I don’t have reason to worry that Stacy London and Clinton Kelly will surprise me at any given moment with an offer to appear on What Not to Wear…but I’ll claim a few hardships as a result of shopping issues due to my dress size and the fact that the fashion industry cannot get it through their thick skulls that there are plenty of voluptuous women out there who do not want to wear clownish prints.

However, YOU are adorable and tiny and have silky hair and a youthful complexion, but you’re not doing anything with it. You have no excuse and you are wasting your good years by dressing like an old woman. What’s next? Garish makeup colors and a bad dye job a la the retirement set? Incidentally, when I tried to find a picture on the Web to illustrate the badness that is your style…I could not find one single photo of you in those barrettes. There are tons of pics of you looking like this:

…so we know you know better.

Use your powers for good, Suzanne. That is all.