VERN YIP: Hey, what’s the damn deal?
HGTV EXEC: Vern, buddy, let’s take this anxiety and put a pin in it, okay? It’s no big deal, it doesn’t mean anything. You’re still the biggest, baddest Design Star judge.
VERN: But I was more famous with home decorating viewers than Cynthia Rowley and Martha McCully were–while they were working hard to build their TVQ, I was basking in the glow of assumed head judgeship! If Candice Olson’s on the panel, who do you think the American (and Canadian) viewers are going to see as head judge? Vern Yip, or the lady everyone thinks is a friggin’ design goddess?
EXEC: Hold on now, you’re still the head judge, even if we have to slide you over to Cynthia’s old spot.
VERN: What?! You’re making me move? No way, man…I’m not giving up the middle chair! It’s mine! Mine!
EXEC: Vern, you’ll still be the head judge on Design Star, even if your show–what is it again, Deserving Design? Even if Deserving Design kind of sucks. So what if everybody thinks Candice Olson is a way better designer! So what if 98% of Americans (and Canadians) would give up their firstborn for the chance at a Candice-designed house, while 87% would ask “Vern who?” You still look great when you do that repetitive gesture thing with your arms outstretched fifty times while speaking directly to the camera. That’s a killer! That’s money, baby!
EXEC: And Genevieve Gorder will be judging too, so it’ll be old times for you two. You’ll feel like you’re back on Trading Spaces again. It’ll be so terrific, you won’t even notice the pay cut!
VERN: Pay cut?
EXEC: Well, listen, it’s tough times out there…the economy’s still in the crapper and we needed the extra money to get Candice to do it.
VERN: You’re taking a cut from me and giving it to…Candice?
EXEC: And Genevieve…don’t forget Genevieve.
VERN: Right. Genevieve.
EXEC: I’ve gotta run now, Vern. You keep working on that scowly face and we’ll see you soon on set!