Whatever you do, no matter how desperate your budget or how handy you think you are, do not under any circumstances purchase this filing cabinet from Ikea:

This filing cabinet puts the “ass” in “self-assembly.”

If you ignore my advice and buy this filing cabinet, here is what you will need in addition to the noted tools and provided supplies:

1. A day off. At least a half day. I’m pretty handy and have assembled plenty of furniture in my day. I actually enjoy figuring out how things are put together and what makes ordinary things work. And still, between Jeb and I, we have devoted five hours to assembling this unit and we still have 3 steps to go…

2. One box Puffs Plus facial tissues. You will cry at some point during this process, even if you’re Mr. Manly Man.

3. A Xanax (or two). If you refuse the Xanax, you might want to leave a note telling your family which restful looney bin you would like to be carted off to when you finally lose grip on your sanity.

4. Band-Aids.

5. Suicide prevention hotline number on speed-dial.

6. High protein snacks and at least 48 oz. of water. You are in this for the long haul, and if you’re like me and hate to leave a project unfinished just to satisfy the need for a nosh, you need these items close by.

7. If you’re a parent, hire a babysitter with a good driving record. Your kids shouldn’t see you like this. Make sure they’re a good six miles away so they don’t hear the screams and the cursing.

8. Icepick. This was actually called for in the instructions for the Ikea desk we also put together today. Although we didn’t have an icepick, it would have made a fantastic implement for taking out our frustrations on this filing cabinet. Polka dots are in, right?

9. Touch-up paint. More than likely, there will be a few dings and scratches to cover up after you throw a few of these pieces of laminated chip board around in frustration.

10. Bottle of wine. This is for after you walk away from the project. You will definitely benefit this one time from drowning your sorrows. I know I did.

Seriously, don’t put yourself through this.


Why am I crying? Because I bought two of these suckers and I have to face the beast again tomorrow. Please send chocolate.